Policies for the “ideal child” in a world of real children

Many behaviour policies in schools are built around an imaginary portrait of the pupil: calm, rational, well-rested, supported by a stable family and capable of making mature decisions at all times.

This is an “ideal” child, not a real one.

In theory, these policies work flawlessly. In practice, they collide daily with the harsh reality of today’s children: anxiety, trauma, lack of sleep, digital overstimulation, emotional insecurity, poverty, or the absence of an emotionally available adult. When these realities are ignored, rules no longer educate, they punish mechanically.

The problem is not the existence of rules. Children need structure. The problem arises when rules are applied rigidly, without context, without empathy, and without an understanding that not all children start from the same place.

The school hasn’t disappeared. The role of the family has weakened.

It is often said that “school isn’t what it used to be”. That teachers are no longer respected. That pupils no longer listen. But if we look more closely, we see that the school, as an institution, has largely remained the same: it teaches content, provides structure, assesses and corrects.

What has changed profoundly is the environment children come from.

School was not created to repair emotional gaps, to teach secure attachment, or to make up for the absence of boundaries at home. That is not its role. Character is not a school subject. Respect does not appear because a set of rules is displayed on a wall.

All of these are formed within the family, or they are not formed at all.

Children learn what they see, not what they are told

Many children today grow up with exhausted adults, constantly rushing, more connected to screens than to their relationship with their own child. They grow up with quick fixes: “take the phone”, “it’ll pass”, “not now”. They grow up watching conflicts handled through shouting, avoidance or irony, yet they are asked for respect and self-control.

This is where the rupture appears.

Respect is not preached. It is modelled. It is seen in how an adult speaks to other adults;  how they react when contradicted; how they take responsibility for a mistake;  how they set clear boundaries, without aggression, but also without constant negotiation.

The child who challenges authority at school did not appear out of nowhere. Very often, they have learned that rules are flexible, that blame always belongs to someone else, and that there will always be an adult who will rescue them from consequences.

Policies without context, children without support

When schools apply behaviour policies without taking the child’s reality into account, the result is not education, but escalation of conflict. An emotionally overwhelmed child will not become cooperative through automatic sanctions. They will become more defensive, more withdrawn, or more aggressive.

This does not mean a lack of boundaries. It means boundaries applied with discernment, doubled by understanding and genuine collaboration with the family.

The uncomfortable truth

School can only educate as far as the family allows it to.

It cannot consistently compensate for the lack of presence, coherence and responsibility at home.

It cannot single-handedly raise children who have not learned what “no”, “wait”, and “take responsibility” mean.

Education does not begin at the school gate.

It begins at home. And it continues — or is compromised — depending on how much courage adults have to be consistent, involved and honest with their own children.

School policies can be improved.

But without a genuine reconnection of parents to their role, they will continue to be written for a child who exists only on paper.

"School can guide, but it cannot replace the courage, presence, and consistency of parents at home."

Author: Cristina Zolde, Teacher and Co-Founder of EduArt C.I.C., a non-profit dedicated to innovative education and youth training.